It started with words made out of honey, with gentle fingers, concerned brows. They acted as if I were porcelain and they were terrified to drop me. Their kisses never seemed too hungry and they only asked for enough to quench the thirst and seemed okay with that. They acted like they understood that not everyone had been gentle with me.
My family started to notice when I didn’t call them anymore. I could hear my sister’s voice waiver and roll in her throat as I told her everything was fine. My friends started to notice when I wouldn’t answer the door. Their voices became shaky but I would assure them that I was okay and soon they would leave with heavy footprints.
I guess I started to notice after I realized that I didn’t have anyone else but them, after their arms were the only ones I could run to and they had become so unforgiving. When I stopped eating, stopped laughing, stopped imagining the future. When I cried so much I couldn’t cry anymore. When I stopped dreaming of wedding dresses and started dreaming of coffins.
Don’t let yourself slip this far into an abusive relationship. Notice when your partner starts to change. It won’t be sudden. It will be a fluctuation of their voice, a look of violence in their eyes, passive-aggressive insults. Leave. Please leave. Never stay. Don’t let them bury you so far beneath the earth before you realize you’re running out of air.”
Broken dishes, overflowing toilet, candle wax smeared on the mirror, food spilt on the ground spit on my sweater and face.
Why am I doing this to myself anymore? Why is it so hard to stop?
Last night I had a panic attack again. I was crying and shaking and screaming and my body was cramping up. I was hyperventilating to the point where I got nauseous and felt like throwing up. This went on for almost an hour. My boyfriend held me while I was flopping around like a fish until I passed out from exhaustion.
I just now woke up and my first thought was that I don’t want to get out of bed today. I want to sleep my life away. I want to sleep my problems away.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve recovered from a terrible eating disorder and depression and swore to myself that I’d never let myself go to that place again but now I am feeling lower than ever. I feel so sad all the time and when I’m not sad I’m angry at the world. I don’t want to eat even when I’m hungry because nothing tastes good anymore. I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to read, walk, shower, get dressed…nothing. I just don’t want to be anymore.
I feel like I will never be happy again. No matter where I am, whether it be Sri Lanka, Germany or America, there will always be a huge part of me missing because I’ve left my heart in so many places.
I am so torn between my family that I love more than anything in this Universe and my boyfriend who I always thought I would spend the rest of my life with. How am I supposed to choose? How? I can’t!
My entire life, my entire support system is in Germany. That is how I identify myself. That’s who I am. I can’t give that up. I can’t give up my home and family and passport all for one person. I just don’t think that’s right anymore.
When I moved back to the US to be with my boyfriend, I didn’t think twice about it. We had been long distance for 30 months and I needed to be with him. I knew it was the right thing. I knew I could handle being away from my family because I knew I could always visit. I knew they’d be in Florida half of the time anyways which would make skyping much easier because of the time difference. I knew that eventually I would have to pick one home. I knew that I couldn’t lead two lives on two continents forever but I thought I had more time. I didn’t think I would have to choose so soon.
Everyday I think about what I’ve given up to be here because of my relationship. I have compromised everything because he was more important. I love him so much, I’d do it all over again. I’m a giver and I’m willing to give a lot. But the one thing I cannot and will not give up is my family. My family are my only friends because they’re the only ones who have been there my entire life and they’re the only ones who understand my issues because we all have the same. It’s so hard for me to become friends with people because we’re just so different to each other and when I start talking about MY problems they don’t understand and I don’t feel like explaining. I’m not patient enough.
What kills me too is that my sisters, my best friends in this world, are going to get married and have babies and I won’t be there. I will never be an active part in their children’s lives. I will miss everything. Their children will never even see me as an aunt the first few years.
My parents are getting older. My dad isn’t in the best health and both of my parents are workaholics. They are slowly working themselves to death and I’m watching. I know I’m not going to get to spend as much time as I want with them.
And then there’s me. When I marry, only 4 people in my family will be able to attend. When I have children, they will not know my side of the family. When I have days like today, the only people who can make me feel better are not here.
And now I’m crying again. I wonder when the crying is going to stop. I just can’t anymore.
How do I stop crying? How do I let my brain rest long enough for me to sleep? When will I stop being so tired? Will I ever be able to kiss my boyfriend without crying again? Will I ever be completely happy? Will I ever be content? Will there be a day where I wake up and feel okay again? When will that day come? I need to know because I don’t know how many more weeks I can go on feeling this way. I don’t know how much longer I can be patient for things to get better when all I can think about all day and all night is putting an end to everything. I just need to know when this will be over because I’m running out of energy and patience and strength. I feel like the whole in my heart is growing by the second. I don’t know how to fill it anymore.
Went to sleep crying. Woke up crying. I don’t want today to happen.
I just don’t want to do this anymore.
All I want right now is to move back to Germany and forget that the past 5 years of my life in the US ever happened. I’m done with everything being so complicated.
I want a simpler life again.